September 19, 2003
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It’s all very well accepting ones own mortality, that is something most of us deal with, get over and get on with our lives. But how to deal with the mortality of another, someone who has guided and supported you and helped you be ‘reborn’?
C, my wonderful, wonderful boyfriend has been very ill for a few weeks now. He has lost a lot of weight and he has been unable to work. The doctor took samples of this and that and nothing seemed to show up but earlier this week some more tests were done and it appears that he has become infected with cryptosporidium. This is apparantly ‘self-limiting’ and most people get over it after a week or so. People with suppressed immune systems however, do not. It can result in malnutrition and death. C doesn’t know his current HIV status as he was last tested four years ago (just before we met), he was negative then. The doctor wants him to re-test as the infection and it’s ghastly symptoms continue and the weight continues to drop off him. He also seems to have developed thrush.
Things are not looking good are they?
C is more resigned to the fact that shit happens and you deal with it than I am. I feel really guilty that he is facing a possible fight for life at the age of 31 and all I can think about is “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF HE DIES”.
I spent all my life looking for C, I realise that now. All the crappy one night stands, the fucks that stayed around long enough to rip me off or humiliate me, the abusive, violent man that took away my self confidence and left me wrecked; I had to go through that just so I’d realise I’d met someone truely special that I could share my life with – and I’d go through it all again so long as he was waiting at the end of it. But now it looks like he may be taken away from me, maybe not tomorrow (please God not tomorrow!) but probably some time sooner than I’d thought.
I’m really angry and I’m obviously upset and perhaps it won’t be so bad in the morning, but right now running round and round in my head is the question: WHAT AM I GOING TO IF HE DIES?
Comments (6)
I know the feeling of searching your entire life for someone and then having to face the threat of losing them…I will be sending as many prayers and as much white light your way as I can. I hope everything will be alright.
I know there’s nothing I can can say that will make you feel better, but my thoughts are with you.
It will be difficult and I’m afraid you’ll have to be strong and work your way through the feelings you’ll have. Thinking of you.
Thanks for your comments. We both had a very stressful weekend, my grandmother was rushed into hospital on Saturday to make things even worse!
On Monday, without his telling me he went and had a one hour HIV test and it came back negative!!! Obviously there was much rejoicing despite the fact that he is still not very well. The news must have done something though as he is already looking better. Lets just hope he continues to improve. Thanks again for the kind thoughts and the white light – it really helped.
::throws confetti:: Yay for good news! I am continuing to send prayers and white light your way, dear.
Wow! Heavy shit. Congrats on the negative test. = )