September 2, 2008

• Sorry for the silence recently. I'm still ill and it's starting to be boring! I went to Belfast the weekend before last with my left ear/eustacian tube so blocked that I couldn't hear anything and it is still blocked, all I'm getting is a continuous (and I mean continuous) high pitched tone in the left ear. I've been signed off work for another week and the doctor told me I have bronchitis in addition to a middle ear infection. I'm on a new set of antibiotics and hopefully they will do the trick.

  
  

  I haven't had the energy to do much more than take Fintan out for his walks but being partially deaf has given me a different picture on the world. In some ways it is a blessing - I'm only hearing half the moronic conversations that go on around me. It is rather isolating though and when you are living alone and feeling ill it isn't really what you want to be feeling.

  
  

  The latest news on the house sale is that I have now signed all the contracts etc and really it is just a waiting game. I'm continuing not to hope too much that this is finally it, but I was cheered to read an email from the purchaser that was directed to me from the agent, the tone of which suggests that the buyer has already 'mentally' moved in. I am just going to have to work out the best date to hand my notice in at work now.

  
  

  I'm so looking forward to starting my new life with Patrick, we talk about it on the phone several times every day and have even got some furniture in the house we are going to share. I know that it is going to be difficult at times - I haven't lived with a lover/partner before but I approach the whole thing with excitement at the challenges we will face and overcome and the great things we are going to do together. I never saw this happening when I first met Patrick - though I knew I liked him straight away. It's the stuff of romantic fiction really and I am so happy that what started out as 'friendship - with benefits' blossomed into our wanting to create a shared life together.

  
  

  After Desmond died my circle of friends narrowed - not because they were his friends as we led different lives - mine just drifted away as I guess I spent less time chasing people around trying to make things happen. I found that apart from my ex boyfriend and one German friend there was really no one else around. In December 2006 I went to Gran Canaria expecting to just have two weeks away from the reality of life here and to put and end to a year of grief and stress (remembering of course that it started with my father almost dying and the insurance company traumas) but of course that wasn't what happened - it was my turning point, my epiphany! I was sat on a sand dune (naked!) and it dawned on me that I had spent too much of my life thinking I just wasn't good enough for anyone/anything and it was then that I decided that when I finally came home I would put myself out into the world again but with a new self confidence - I'd take a chance that I might be rejected and prepare myself to deal with it if I was. I put pictures of my face on dating sites; for so many years I felt I was too ugly to do that! I got many compliments and several 'dates' and eventually started talking to Patrick.

  
  

  So here I am now. Hopefully just four weeks or so from another new start, another new life. I'm so excited!

  
  

   

  • 2:45 pm
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