July 21, 2011

• Five years on...

  I can't believe that five years have passed since Desmond died, I've not had a single day that I haven't thought about him, 'spoken' to him or spoken about him to someone else. I suppose that it's always going to be this way and that's okay by me. I remember in a blog about this time a year or so ago saying that I thought that the unfair-est thing about death is that you can't just speak to the deceased any more. I mean, we have friends all over the world that we can't see every day and for that matter can't talk to any time but we know if we want to, or need to then we can. Sometimes it's not enough to just think about or talk about the one you love who is no longer alive and talking to them in your head isn't quite enough either... but they are dead and the rules are that when they die that's it on the conversation front.

  I do something from time to time that you might think a little strange - I email Desmond. I still have him in my address folder in my Hotmail account and every now and then I spot it and I just send him a message! It's a wonderful feeling being able to write down what I'm thinking, impart my news etc and for just a split second between hitting 'send' and getting the notification that me email has been returned there is a moment of perfect  happiness with the idea that just perhaps, this time, it won't bounce back.

  I wonder if you think it's strange that I still have him so close to me after all these years? If you look back over the blogs from around this day for the last five years you'll realise I'm sure that there is nothing else that I can do. Sure I've moved on; I've made some amazing changes in my life and achieved things that many others have not and I greet (mostly) each day with something like happiness and an eagerness to embrace the chaos all around and wring some kind of joy from the little things, the important things ultimately, but always with the thought at the back of my mind that I really, honestly would not be here if it wasn't for that man.

  So, it's not really so strange that I keep him close to me, that I send him the occasional email and that I talk about him all the time - I'm just so grateful for the TWENTY-FIVE years I got to live on the same planet as him. 

  God bless you Desmond, wherever you are and thank you, thank you, thank you. xxx

  • 6:03 pm
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