April 11, 2004

• An uncle of mine died a week ago and I’m supposed to be going to a service on Tuesday but the only reason I am going to go is because I’m interested in seeing the inside of the church as it’s the one I was born into if you know what I mean. I did all the catholic stuff there and I have a soft spot in my heart for the building but have never been inside since I was about 16 or so. I don’t exactly feel guilty for my lack of emotion over my uncle’s death as I haven’t really been a part of  extended family life for the largest part of my adult life; I do feel sad for my aunt but that’s about it. It could be that I am so busy with the stresses of trying to run my business, dealing with the promotion at the language school etc etc that I just don’t have the emotional capital to invest in anything else. I don’t think it is because I’m cold and unfeeling as anyone who knows me would tell you I’m not like that at all. It has crossed my mind that the medication I’m taking has reduced my usual empathy levels which, to be honest, were off the chart anyway! It’s all a bit weird.

  
  

  It’s been a funny week all in all. I have two weeks away from the language school because of Easter but I’ve just not wanted to go into the cafe at all. It could be the possible forced closure hanging over me but whatever it is it has been the last place I’ve wanted to be recently.

  
  

  The strangest thing of all is that at least twice this week I’ve had to force myself away from travel agents doors becuase I’ve been sorely tempted to go in and buy a one way ticket to absolutley ANYWHERE!!! On Wednesday night I left the house around 7.00pm with my passport and credit cards in my pocket with the idea of just getting the bus to the airport and seeing what was available once I got there. In the end I just sat on a bench near the bus stop and smoked loads of cigarettes and just watched the buses roll in and go.

  
  

  I think I know what some of you might be thinking – I’m actually more affected by the death than I care to admit but I don’t think it’s that at all. I think I’ve just been working too hard for six months or so now, having maybe one day a week (and sometimes less) to myself and I have snapped a little and just want to escape! I do know that I day-dream about living alone a lot at the moment and that the happiest times recently are the limbo times when I’m on the bus going from one job to the next as I am a lone even though I’m in a crowd.

  
  

  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway! I don’t mean to go on. I don’t actually feel depressed just tired. I have a new hobby at the moment which is making up fake profiles on Gaydar and seeing how many people respond to them in a 24 hour period. Lame I know but it makes me laugh!

  • 6:48 pm
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